Now I Know What I've Been Missing

Being a first time mommy to an angel has it's own unique kind of grieving.  You have all the time in the world to cry because there is no other child pulling at your pant's leg saying "mommy, mommy, mommy"!  You have all the time to focus on everything you were dreaming of to happen that has now all disappeared.  You have time to delve deep into despair and, if you allow, depression.  It's quite easy to say "I GIVE UP"!!!!  It's quite another thing to say "I KNOW MY ANGEL WANTS ME TO KEEP GOING"  and then to actually find ways to do that.  I did.  Don't get me wrong.  A huge part of me wanted it all to end!  I just wanted life to end.  What good was it without my baby?!  What purpose was there for me without him in my life?  But I am a chicken to pain...thank God!  And so I screamed and yelled at God Himself...and being a Glorious God, He took it and then wrapped His loving arms around me and let me collapse in sobs.  This went on for what seemed like eternity.  Yelling and crying, yelling and crying.  Asking WHY over and over and over.  (I STILL ask but have yet to get an answer.)  My yelling was slowly replaced by my need to let EVERYONE I ever came in contact with know I have a son, a beautiful son, who they should learn about.  I did this through word of mouth and hard work on memorial crafts in memory of Donny and in memory of other Angels.  I spent numerous hours writing.  Writing of memories.  Writing of lost dreams.  Writing poems for my baby.  I wrote of everything.  It was my personal therapy.  So all of this I spent 2 1/2 years doing.  I spent those years grieving what I dreamed of, what I could imagine mommyhood consisting of.  Then I had my daughter and my grieving started anew.  I didn't know it would do that.  I thought I knew the in's and out's and ups and downs of what grieving was all about.  I was wrong.  And I am still learning that there are so many new avenues to my journey with grief.  Every milestone my daughter reaches is a new avenue of grief.  I think to myself "so this is what I've been missing".  And it kills my heart all over again!  I now see what I would've experienced with Donny had he stayed with us.  And it hurts just as much as in the beginning.  The really sad part about all this is I do not feel it is okay to share my raw feelings as much as I'd like.  I feel that everyone expects that I'm okay now.  Of course they know I will never put my son aside.  They know this through my words and actions.  But I do not feel it would be looked at as 'normal' if I delved into my feelings as I feel them.  And maybe this is good.  Maybe I shouldn't.  Maybe it would be harmful to my daughter?  I don't know.  All I know is this...  Grief is neverending.  Grief has more roads and avenues than our eyes can see.  Grief is complex.  Grief of an infant is nothing anyone can understand unless you know first hand.  And so Now I Know What I've Been Missing. 

Another Sad Day

Today is another sad day.  I think back 4 yrs ago as to what I was doing today and I remember the total emptiness and despair my heart felt.  Today we gathered with friends and family and paid our respects to our precious baby, stood at his grave site, sang him his song and then I was forced to leave my baby...for good.  Yeah, I knew then and know now it's only his physical body and not really him but still....it hurt.  That is MY baby!!!  All I wanted to do was take him out of their and hold him...forever!  Instead I had to walk away and go to a gathering with everyone else.  How I made it through that day is beyond me.  I have wondered it many times and I just don't know how I did it.  I guess we just do what we have to do.  And today is no different.  All I want to do is curl up on my couch and do nothing but cry and remember.  But I don't get to do that.  How will I get through this day?  The same way I've gotten through each day for the last 4 yrs...one minute at a time.  

I love you Marshmallow.  You may not be here for me to hug and kiss and watch you grow and learn, but you are always in my heart baby boy.  Mommy misses you so much!  Send mommy some angel kisses if you can.  

The Day We Meet Again

My Dear Donny,

     Mommy was thinking about this tonight...the moment we are reunited.  I started to cry because my heart misses you so much!  Being apart from you is literally living without a part of who I am.  But then I my thoughts went deeper and I imagined actually seeing you again, holding you, seeing your perfect, angelic face.  And my heart skipped a beat with excitement.  That'll be an awesome day!  I shall not rush it too much though.  I have things here on Earth God intends me to do....like raise your baby sister!  :)  But even though I won't rush it, I'll dream about it until that day arrives.  I love you baby! 

Never Ending Journey

I've had an "aha" moment of sorts within this last week.  I've come to realize that there truly is no end to the journey I began 4 yrs ago.  There is no arrow pointing to the finish line.  Unless it is pointing to the end of my Earthly life, of course.  I knew there'd be sorrow and tears again this year.  But I guess I was a bit surprised at the depth of my sadness still.  I know I'll never stop missing my marshmallow.  But I hear so many say "it gets easier with time".  Living the everyday moments gets easier.  You have no choice but to learn how to do it.  But the grief, the sadness deep within my heart...it's just as strong.  4 yrs.  That sounds like a long time.  Is it though?  Is that why it isn't easier?  Are there answers to any of these questions?  I don't know.  What I do know is this:  There is no end to this journey.  It is a Never Ending Journey!