My Shining Light

My Shining Light

Friday, September 24, 2010

Donny's Shining Light Shines on Local residents!!!

By Eileen O. Daday
Daily Herald Correspondent
A national organization known
as Project Sweet Peas recently won
a $25,000 grant through the Pepsi
Refresh Project and, by extension, its
Illinois leaders, Don and Theresa Wellman
of Schaumburg, shared in the
award.
Each of the 12 project leaders across
the country received $1,500 to continue
their mission of coming to the aid
of families with seriously ill children.
“We’re thrilled,” says Theresa Wellman,
a special education aide at Waterbury
Elementary School in Roselle.
“This will allow us to deliver another
50 bags to parents with children in the
ICU.”
Their award is part of the Pepsi
Refresh Project, which plans to award
more than $20 million in 2010 to move
communities forward, its website says.
The awards are part of an effort to
support innovative, optimistic ideas
and, each month, Pepsi awards up to
32 grants, ranging from $250,000 to
$5,000.
Project Sweet Peas is a grass-roots
organization — still working on getting
its nonprofit status — started by three
mothers who each had experienced
having a child born with a rare birth
defect called congenital diaphragmatic
hernia (CDH), which required stays in
intensive care.
They came together last year for
comfort and support, Wellman says,
and have devised a way to reach out to
others who are experiencing the same
harrowing experience of having a
child in the hospital. Their Sweet Peas
care packages offer a touch of comfort
and simple devices to help build
memories.
Since forming last November, project
leaders across the country have distributed
more than 800 bags.
Their gift bags include everything
from baby blankets, booties, caps and
stuffed animals, to handprint molds,
disposable cameras, picture frames
and assorted toiletries.
The Wellmans joined the project
after their first child, Donny, lived for
only six days in 2006 in the neonatal
intensive care unit of Comer Children’s
Hospital at the University of Chicago in
Chicago.
“We wanted to be at the hospital
every minute, so we wore the same
clothes and had to wash them at
night,” says Don Wellman, who works
with a truck leasing company in Melrose
Park.
They stayed at the Ronald McDonald
House and had many of their
needs provided for, but some things
they still lacked.
“I had no personal items for my
son,” Theresa Wellman says. “When
he passed, the hospital provided some
clothes, but it wasn’t the same.”
Their son was born with CDH, and
their activism in Project Sweet Peas is
as much about promoting awareness
about the disorder as it is to comfort
other parents.
The Wellmans call their project
“Donny’s Shining Light,” and share
both their personal story about his
short life as well as information on
how to help support the mission of
Project Sweet Peas.
They have a wish list of items they
seek to help fill the gift bags with, as
well as a way to help support their
efforts financially.
Since November, they have distributed
44 care packages to families
of children receiving treatment
at Comer Children’s Hospital and
are excited to be able to deliver even
more after sharing in the Pepsi grant,
they say.
“I just want to carry on my son’s
life,” Theresa Wellman says, “and
have his love inspire others.”
For details, visit projectsweetpeas.
com.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I'm Holding On

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

~Lifehouse

Speaks the words my heart feels every day I must live my life without you!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Hearing Your Name

After you died and I had to learn to breathe again, there were so many other things to follow that needed relearning and preparing for.  It is quite a feat.  I thought I reached a point where I was prepared for certain things, like peoples' reactions when they learn of you or the feelings in me when I see a tiny baby boy all in blue or even the random heart pains deep inside when I think of all I could've and should've had with you.  I should know by now to never think I'm prepared for it all.  This journey of grief is a lifetime travel.  I'll be learning, preparing, and starting over time and time again.  It's just how it is.  July 3rd brought to me a surprise to my aching heart once again.  I've prepared for this moment at my work as I walk up and down the school hallways.  I knew it would happen one day.  And it did.  But not when I was prepared for it.  NO.  When I was least expecting it.  Walking back to the car from the parade, pushing your sweet sister in her stroller, watching all the other families pack up and trudge to their cars, I hear "Donny, sweety, stay over here".  My heart dropped.  The thoughts that ran through my head and heart hurt so bad.  That should be ME saying that to YOU.  You should be walking aside me and your sister.  Being 4, you probably would've ran ahead and it should've been ME calling out your name.  It is so unfair.  Not that others shouldn't have happiness.  But that I have to live with this ache in the depths of my soul.  I know you are happy.  But please understand that mommy will always have a missing part inside me until we are together again.  Oh, how it hurts!

Monday, May 24, 2010

dreams of you

As the moon and stars shine, the dreams slip in silently, playing childhood games with my heart. As the sun beats it's rays down upon my skin, the dreams race away leaving remnants behind, enough to keep my heart beating towards those long awaited dreams

Monday, April 19, 2010

Now I Know What I've Been Missing

Being a first time mommy to an angel has it's own unique kind of grieving.  You have all the time in the world to cry because there is no other child pulling at your pant's leg saying "mommy, mommy, mommy"!  You have all the time to focus on everything you were dreaming of to happen that has now all disappeared.  You have time to delve deep into despair and, if you allow, depression.  It's quite easy to say "I GIVE UP"!!!!  It's quite another thing to say "I KNOW MY ANGEL WANTS ME TO KEEP GOING"  and then to actually find ways to do that.  I did.  Don't get me wrong.  A huge part of me wanted it all to end!  I just wanted life to end.  What good was it without my baby?!  What purpose was there for me without him in my life?  But I am a chicken to pain...thank God!  And so I screamed and yelled at God Himself...and being a Glorious God, He took it and then wrapped His loving arms around me and let me collapse in sobs.  This went on for what seemed like eternity.  Yelling and crying, yelling and crying.  Asking WHY over and over and over.  (I STILL ask but have yet to get an answer.)  My yelling was slowly replaced by my need to let EVERYONE I ever came in contact with know I have a son, a beautiful son, who they should learn about.  I did this through word of mouth and hard work on memorial crafts in memory of Donny and in memory of other Angels.  I spent numerous hours writing.  Writing of memories.  Writing of lost dreams.  Writing poems for my baby.  I wrote of everything.  It was my personal therapy.  So all of this I spent 2 1/2 years doing.  I spent those years grieving what I dreamed of, what I could imagine mommyhood consisting of.  Then I had my daughter and my grieving started anew.  I didn't know it would do that.  I thought I knew the in's and out's and ups and downs of what grieving was all about.  I was wrong.  And I am still learning that there are so many new avenues to my journey with grief.  Every milestone my daughter reaches is a new avenue of grief.  I think to myself "so this is what I've been missing".  And it kills my heart all over again!  I now see what I would've experienced with Donny had he stayed with us.  And it hurts just as much as in the beginning.  The really sad part about all this is I do not feel it is okay to share my raw feelings as much as I'd like.  I feel that everyone expects that I'm okay now.  Of course they know I will never put my son aside.  They know this through my words and actions.  But I do not feel it would be looked at as 'normal' if I delved into my feelings as I feel them.  And maybe this is good.  Maybe I shouldn't.  Maybe it would be harmful to my daughter?  I don't know.  All I know is this...  Grief is neverending.  Grief has more roads and avenues than our eyes can see.  Grief is complex.  Grief of an infant is nothing anyone can understand unless you know first hand.  And so Now I Know What I've Been Missing. 

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Another Sad Day

Today is another sad day.  I think back 4 yrs ago as to what I was doing today and I remember the total emptiness and despair my heart felt.  Today we gathered with friends and family and paid our respects to our precious baby, stood at his grave site, sang him his song and then I was forced to leave my baby...for good.  Yeah, I knew then and know now it's only his physical body and not really him but still....it hurt.  That is MY baby!!!  All I wanted to do was take him out of their and hold him...forever!  Instead I had to walk away and go to a gathering with everyone else.  How I made it through that day is beyond me.  I have wondered it many times and I just don't know how I did it.  I guess we just do what we have to do.  And today is no different.  All I want to do is curl up on my couch and do nothing but cry and remember.  But I don't get to do that.  How will I get through this day?  The same way I've gotten through each day for the last 4 yrs...one minute at a time.  

I love you Marshmallow.  You may not be here for me to hug and kiss and watch you grow and learn, but you are always in my heart baby boy.  Mommy misses you so much!  Send mommy some angel kisses if you can.  

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Day We Meet Again

My Dear Donny,

     Mommy was thinking about this tonight...the moment we are reunited.  I started to cry because my heart misses you so much!  Being apart from you is literally living without a part of who I am.  But then I my thoughts went deeper and I imagined actually seeing you again, holding you, seeing your perfect, angelic face.  And my heart skipped a beat with excitement.  That'll be an awesome day!  I shall not rush it too much though.  I have things here on Earth God intends me to do....like raise your baby sister!  :)  But even though I won't rush it, I'll dream about it until that day arrives.  I love you baby!