Hearing Your Name

After you died and I had to learn to breathe again, there were so many other things to follow that needed relearning and preparing for.  It is quite a feat.  I thought I reached a point where I was prepared for certain things, like peoples' reactions when they learn of you or the feelings in me when I see a tiny baby boy all in blue or even the random heart pains deep inside when I think of all I could've and should've had with you.  I should know by now to never think I'm prepared for it all.  This journey of grief is a lifetime travel.  I'll be learning, preparing, and starting over time and time again.  It's just how it is.  July 3rd brought to me a surprise to my aching heart once again.  I've prepared for this moment at my work as I walk up and down the school hallways.  I knew it would happen one day.  And it did.  But not when I was prepared for it.  NO.  When I was least expecting it.  Walking back to the car from the parade, pushing your sweet sister in her stroller, watching all the other families pack up and trudge to their cars, I hear "Donny, sweety, stay over here".  My heart dropped.  The thoughts that ran through my head and heart hurt so bad.  That should be ME saying that to YOU.  You should be walking aside me and your sister.  Being 4, you probably would've ran ahead and it should've been ME calling out your name.  It is so unfair.  Not that others shouldn't have happiness.  But that I have to live with this ache in the depths of my soul.  I know you are happy.  But please understand that mommy will always have a missing part inside me until we are together again.  Oh, how it hurts!